How it all started: A personal account of how anxiety made its appearance in my life
I remember the day I started experiencing social anxiety (social phobia) like it was yesterday. I was 19 and working as an administrative assistant after completing my A Levels. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I’d been accepted to university but didn’t feel like it was the path for me at that moment in time.
I went for lunch with two colleagues in a nearby café. We were sat at a table chatting about work (snooze!) when I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline. I had no idea what I was experiencing other than the fact that it was HORRIBLE! I felt an overwhelming urge to escape. I couldn’t focus on anything that was being said. I couldn’t eat nor drink. I was hot. My heart was racing. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was under water. I managed to disguise the internal panic and made a sharp exit to the toilet where I quickly closed the door and muttered “What the?”!
The seal was broken
And just like that, the seal was broken and what ensued was a continuous steady leak of fear and panic that sometimes poured.
I didn’t speak to anyone about that episode, or at least I don’t recall speaking to anyone. Neither did I dwell on it for long because I felt utterly fine, until it happened again…
It always happened in a social setting, a café, a restaurant, a bar. So, what did I do? I started to avoid these scenarios of course. Duh! Why wouldn’t I? A perfectly rational response to a terrifying situation. Fleeeeee!
Eventually my social anxiety started creeping into other scenarios. I couldn’t go to the theatre with friends without strategically planning where I would sit. Ideally at the end of an aisle in case I needed to make a quick exit. Work meetings were a challenge because sitting so close to other people made me feel very claustrophobic. I couldn’t concentrate and just wanted to escape.
The worst part was that I couldn’t eat nor drink in front of people because I felt like I was visibly shaking. Going out for lunch or a coffee with a friend was a real challenge. I would often sit for hours nursing a drink waiting until they were distracted or went to the toilet to quickly finish my drink or meal. Not nice and utterly ridiculous!
Why?
I’m still not sure what brought this on. I was struggling with my own sense of direction. The needless pressure of choosing a career path. It was also around this time that my parents separated. Was it that? Was I predisposed to anxiety and depression? Afterall, it runs in my family. A mixture of all the above, no doubt.
I struggled with most social situations in my 20s unless I was with close family or friends. My self-esteem was very low. I always compared myself with others and decided that everyone else was better. Still struggle with that! I relied heavily on alcohol to relax me. In fact, I think I drank my way through most of my 20s.
medication it is then
Eventually I went to my GP who prescribed me with Beta Blockers. They helped but were no cure. This was the beginning of a decade of intermittently taking prescribed medication to cope with episodes of anxiety.
I would go months feeling fine until something would trigger another episode, and I’d be back on the medication. I’ve tried various anti-depressants, some made me worse, and some helped, a lot.
therapy
Along with antidepressants, I also tried therapy. I remember attending a group therapy course and having several one-to-one sessions at my GP practice. In all honesty, I can’t say that either helped.
The group therapy course was run by an occupational therapist who didn’t seem to understand anxiety disorders. I completed the course and met people who were all suffering with anxiety in one form or another, but no one could relate to my experience. No doubt, they felt the same. I don’t remember much about the one-to-one sessions apart from the fact that they weren’t very helpful.
Much of the advice I received was from practitioners who weren’t experienced in the field of anxiety disorders. The advice felt superficial, obvious even. I was looking for some kind o epiphany, a hallelujah moment. Unfortunately (or fortunately) that came years later.
what is social anxiety or social phobia?
Many people occasionally worry about social situations, but someone with social anxiety feels overly worried before, during and after them.
You may have social anxiety if you:
- worry about everyday activities, such as meeting strangers, starting conversations, speaking on the phone, working or shopping
- avoid or worry a lot about social activities, such as group conversations, eating with company and parties
- always worry about doing something you think is embarrassing, such as blushing, sweating or appearing incompetent
- find it difficult to do things when others are watching – you may feel like you’re being watched and judged all the time
- fear being criticised, avoid eye contact or have low self-esteem
- often have symptoms like feeling sick, sweating, trembling or a pounding heartbeat (palpitations)
- have panic attacks, where you have an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety, usually only for a few minutes
Many people with social anxiety also have other mental health issues, such as depression, generalised anxiety disorder or panic disorder. That’ll be me then!
I can’t say that I experienced all of the symptoms listed but several are very relatable, especially avoiding eating and drinking with company and of course the physical symptoms that come with panic.
According to the HelpGuide website, there are unhelpful thinking styles that fuel social anxiety. Do you engage in any of the following unhelpful thinking styles:
- Mind reading – Assuming you know what other people are thinking, and that they see you in the same negative way that you see yourself.
- Fortune telling – Predicting the future, usually while assuming the worst will happen. You just “know” that things will go horribly, so you’re already anxious before you’re even in the situation.
- Catastrophising – Blowing things out of proportion. For example, if people notice that you’re nervous, it will be “awful”, “terrible”, or “disastrous.”
- Personalising – Assuming that people are focusing on you in a negative way or that what’s going on with other people has to do with you.
Social anxiety is more than shyness. It’s a fear that does not go away and affects everyday activities, self-confidence, relationships and work or school life.
I can absolutely say with complete confidence that I have engaged in every one of the above thinking styles!
My Social Anxiety today
I seem to have the social anxiety under control now. I no longer worry about social situations. My unease of eating and drinking in front of people still lingers, but it’s not as debilitating as it was 20 years ago.
I no longer worry about sitting next to people in social settings such as theatres or cinemas. I’m more equipped to remain calm in situations that would typically make me feel anxious.
I believe that the ability to remain calm and manage your thoughts are fundamental to coping with anxiety. That and a good dose of no longer giving a shit that comes with age! That’s not to say that I’m perfectly comfortable in social situations, because I’m really not. I continuously question myself.
Certain work situations still make me very anxious, disproportionally so. I dread meetings, an irrational dread. I worry that I’ll say something stupid and fret over not sounding as articulate or clever as my colleagues. An important meeting will have me stressing for weeks beforehand. It consumes me.
Although it hasn’t completely gone away, I’ve learned to accept it. Okay so sometimes I struggle drinking a cup of coffee in front of certain people. Could I fix that? Possibly. There might be some sort of therapy that could help me eliminate this problem. Is there a quick fix? Absolutely not! Can I live with it? Yes, it’s not ideal but neither is plucking grey hairs from my head, but I can live with it.
acceptance
Acceptance can make a world of difference. Let me be clear, I’m not suggesting that anyone should just put up with anxiety, but in my experience, a strong dose of acceptance has been critical to healing. Paddling up stream is exhausting, accepting that certain thoughts and feelings are happening instead of fighting against them has eased the burden. Acceptance helps me move past my anxiety rather than either trying to push it away or getting caught up in it.
Can you relate to any of the symptoms I’ve described? How do you manage your symptoms?
