Health Anxiety (Hypochondria)

Health Anxiety or Hypochondria has undoubtedly been the most debilitating form of anxiety for me.

This began after the birth of my first child. He became very ill at 10 days old with bacterial meningitis. As you can imagine, it was an extremely worrying time. We spent two weeks in hospital. He was so poorly.

Whisked away from us soon after arriving at the hospital for a lumbar puncture. We were advised not to accompany him. The lumbar puncture confirmed meningitis and the first night in hospital was absolute hell. His stats were all over the place causing the machine to constantly beep, alerting the medical staff. I remember seeing fear in his nurse’s eyes at one point. She admitted a few days later when she was back on shift how relieved she was to see him.

I remember this time as though it were yesterday. The machines, the scans, the head measurements, the stats, and worst of all, his whimpering.

After two weeks we could take him home and I could start adjusting to life as a new mother. It was at this point that I began to feel very anxious about my own health! Weird, right? You’d think that I’d become neurotic about his health, but no, I obsessed about dying and leaving him behind. I feared that no one would or could love and care for him as much as me.

Symptoms

This marked the beginning of my new form of anxiety, health anxiety. Yay!

I began fixating on minor physical symptoms and convincing myself that I was seriously ill. During the first episode I remember feeling a slight niggle in my ribcage and was utterly convinced that something SERIOUS was wrong. I went to the GP who sent me for a series of blood tests as a matter of caution. I confided that I struggled with my mental health and was prescribed antidepressants.

I spent the following week expecting a phone call from my GP telling me that something was wrong with my blood results. Of course, everything was fine and when the medication started to do its job, the physical symptoms disappeared.

These types of episodes happened many times after the birth of my first child, who is now 18 years old.

It’s not just me then!

During one particularly bad episode and an online search of symptoms in an attempt to self-diagnose, I came across the following article in the Guardian. A truly relatable article about health anxiety well worth reading.

A cycle of dread, collapse, relief’: the absurd, tormented story of my hypochondria.

The following extract caught my attention as it was utterly relatable.

“The word “hypochondria”, I discovered in my research, denotes the region of the abdomen directly below the ribcage; Hippocrates, for example, refers to a woman suffering “in her right hypochondrium” (Brian Dillon)

Astonishing! Similarly to my first experience of health anxiety, most bad episodes have been localised to ‘pain’ under my ribcage, often on my right side. Although, I can not really describe it as pain, but more like a burning sensation. It feels as though my torso is on fire. This particular symptom is so overwhelming for me, but I’ve yet to speak with anyone who’s experienced anything similar.

Mind like a broken record

I scour the internet for information about my symptoms, hoping it will confirm that my symptoms aren’t a sign of anything sinister. I become disengaged, living in a state of fear and preoccupation. I think this is probably one of the saddest aspects of anxiety and depression, the disengagement and time you lose to the all-consuming fear and darkness. It hijacks your life. I recall so many occasions spent with family and friends that should have been enjoyable but weren’t due to my preoccupations. I was present in body only. During these episodes my mind is like a broken record, firmly fixed on a dark and gloomy lyric. It’s utterly debilitating.

So there you have it, most bad episodes have been eased by antidepressants. I would heal, come off the antidepressants until another physical symptom would trigger another episode. During these episodes, I constantly seek reassurance from a loved one, examining their reaction to see if they too are concerned. Their reassurance works for a short period of time but the obsessive, intrusive thought cycle soon returns.

Health anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive disorder

I learned recently that health anxiety is an anxiety condition that is related to the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) spectrum of disorders. Bingo! Makes absolute sense to me. I can go for months without being the least bit anxious about my health. I can’t always pinpoint what triggers a bad episode. It’s often stress but other times it seems to come out of nowhere! What I do know is that when it hits me it can only be described as utterly obsessive and compulsive. It literally hijacks my mind so that I’m no longer in control.

A recent episode was so powerful that it also made me physically ill. It was an episode that changed the course of my life and led me to starting this blog. I spent 6 months in complete misery and a further 12 months healing. I use the word ‘healing’ lightly as it has well and truly left its mark. A mark I have attempted to describe in a separate post entitled Nervous Breakdown. It does what it says on the tin!

Presently, I feel that I will never reach such depths of complete desolation again, but I’m certainly not complacent. I know how irrational anxiety is and how it can can creep up on you seemingly out of nowhere.

Dealing with worry

It’s normal to worry, but it becomes problematic when it hijacks our mind and we find it difficult to disengage from worry. How we respond to our worrying thoughts is the biggest problem. We give them far too much time, energy, attention and importance.

It’s easy to engage in unhelpful strategies and behaviours when we worry about something excessively. For example:

• suppressing worries
• trying to reason with worrying thoughts
• distracting ourselves
• trying to think positively, i.e. everything will be fine
• seeking reassurance from others to ease the worry
• searching the internet for information and reassurance
• engaging in bad habits such as excessive drinking or eating

Neither paying excessive attention to our worries nor trying to suppress them are helpful. It’s important to acknowledge and accept our worries without over-engaging or pushing them away. Changing the way we think takes time and effort and dedication, and it’s not something that I’m qualified to talk about. However, I have found some really useful information and material on the Centre for Clinical Intervention website.

For me, 3 aspects have been key to improving my health anxiety.

1. Acceptance. Accepting and acknowledging my thoughts and the way I feel is important. Accepting my anxiety and worries is about practicing self-kindness. It also helps to acknowledge that my thoughts and feelings are valid, but not necessarily the way things really are. Acceptance has also enabled me to notice when my worrying becomes excessive which helps me manage my behaviour patterns. That’s not to say that I no longer worry excessively, but I have developed strategies that help me manage my worries so that they don’t spiral out of control. I don’t try to suppress my worries but I’m very conscious not to over engage with them.
2. Mindfulness. Mindfulness has been a game changer for me and I discuss it in more depth in another post. Resting my attention on the present moment not only helps combat intrusive thoughts but also allows me to enjoy simple everyday activities which can quite easily be missed through overthinking.
3. Wellbeing. Taking care of my wellbeing by doing the things that make me feel good. Walking and especially mindful walking really contributes to a positive sense of wellbeing. Spending time in nature always makes me feel good. It’s calming which in turn helps calm and settle the mind.

In my experience, the worst thing about anxiety is that it’s all-consuming. Noticing the feelings and behaviours we start to exhibit as a result of anxiety is an important step to managing it.